


Try Not To Breathe

by falafelfiction



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-12
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-29 05:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falafelfiction/pseuds/falafelfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a missing scenes fic that takes place in the time between 'Granite State' and 'Felina' focusing on Todd's developing relationships with Lydia and Jesse. Todd POV so, yeah...it's creepy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Try Not To Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say that this fic is not torture porn. Obviously it deals with Jesse being in a situation that is very disturbing and torturous. But it was Vince Gilligan and his gang who created that situation, not me. Since the finale, my feeling has been that I wanted to see a deeper exploration of Jesse's captivity ordeal, not because Jesse's suffering is entertaining to me but simply because I care about what Jesse went through. I feel like survival stories are always worth telling, especially the ones where human beings must survive unthinkable cruelties. And at the same time, I also thought Lydia and especially Todd made for interesting villains in S5 so I wanted to explore them and their warped little relationship in greater depth too.

 

What Todd liked most about Miss Quayle was the way she would say things nicely even if the things they were talking about weren’t so nice. Since she was so hung up on the quality of their product, they couldn’t really avoid talking about Jesse. But Todd understood that there were certain messy parts of their business that Miss Quayle didn’t want to know too much about. She hadn’t wanted to see the bodies and the blood after she’d had them take care of Declan’s crew. Todd hadn’t minded being the one to hold her hand while she covered her eyes. There are some things that a lady shouldn’t have to see.

“Todd, one last thing,” said Miss Quayle, hushing her voice and glancing over her shoulder a little, “You do understand that we can’t trust Pinkman, right?”

Todd smiled, resting his chin against his arm. Miss Quayle still wouldn’t look him in the eye, but she was leaning closer now. He could smell her perfume.

“Oh, I know that, Miss Quayle. But it’s not really a matter of trust, you know? It’s not what you’d call...a partnership. We’ve got Pinkman working for us. I’ve found ways to get him really motivated. And like I said...he’s not going anywhere.”

“Right, _of course._..” Miss Quayle nodded and took a sip of her tea. “Thank you for clarifying the new arrangement for me, Todd. I’m sure you also understand that if Pinkman ever were to go somewhere and if that somewhere were to back to the DEA then it would spell disaster for all of us. I trust you are doing all that you can to prevent this?”

“Absolutely, ma’am. If you want...you could come and visit the compound again. Come see how I’ve set up security and got Pinkman focused on the cook.”

“I don’t want to see him,” Miss Quayle said sharply. She clutched her cup very close to her chest and took a breath. “No, I’ll trust that your methods are sufficient in the case. But please remember what I said about messages and how they sometimes need to be delivered with a little more...impact. Do you agree with me on this, Todd?”

“Yes, Miss Quayle. I think we agree on most things.”

“I hope so.” She fell silent for a moment. Todd stared at the shiny streaks the light made in her hair. “That being said...there’ll need to be a balance, won’t there. I mean, if this is going to be an ongoing business venture for us, then we’ll need the quality of our product to remain consistent; keep the percentages up in the nineties. So Pinkman will need to be fit enough to work for us. Can you please ensure that he’s able to work?”

“Sure,” said Todd, lightly touching her shoulder. “I’ll take good care of him.”

Miss Quayle slipped her big round glasses over her eyes and she finally turned to face him. She smiled, pressing her fingers to his hand and gently pushing it away. “I’m pleased to hear that, Todd. This is business after all. We don’t have to be savages.”

Todd smiled back. Miss Quayle and him really did agree on a lot. They worked together so good. In some ways better than Todd worked with Uncle Jack.

“It’s the business that I care about, Miss Quayle,” he assured her.

“Lydia,” she reminded him. “You can call me Lydia.”

“Lydia, got it...” Todd looked down, worried he might be blushing. “Like I said...I’m real invested in this business. I really...I want to see it grow.”

She nodded. “Then keep the purity up. Keep it blue.” With that, she picked up her purse and rose from the table. “I’ll be here next Tuesday.”

 

~*~

 

Todd stood in the pit with Uncle Jack. They pointed their flashlights at the heaped mattress and blankets and the chains that Jesse had somehow got out of. Jesse sat huddled in a corner, his hands still tied behind him and his mouth still gagged. He was still making those weird wailing sounds too, only much softer now. Uncle Jack crouched and pointed his torch in Jesse’s eyes. Jesse shut them quick, hiding his face behind his knees.

“You gonna fess up to how you got out of them cuffs?” Todd’s uncle asked.

“Let me talk to him, Uncle Jack,” said Todd. “I’m sure that he’ll tell me if we can talk just the two of us. I think...well, I’m pretty sure he’s learned his lesson.”

Uncle Jack got to his feet again. “You know what I think, Toddy? I think you’re being too soft. Maybe you should keep him down in his rat-hole without a bed or a bucket, see how he likes that...” Uncle Jack hissed in frustration and clamped a firm hand to the back of Todd’s neck. “This best not happen again, you hear? If he gets loose again, I’m personally pulling the trigger on this little meth operation.” He glared back at Jesse. “And just so you’re clear, I’d only be killing you after doing that spic bitch’s kid first.”

Jesse’s breathing got heavier, but he still didn’t lift his head. He kept his body pressed against the wall, kind of like he was trying to melt into the bricks.

“I got this, Uncle Jack. I promise. It won’t happen again.”

His uncle nodded and clapped him on the shoulder before climbing up the ladder and leaving Todd get to the bottom of Jesse’s little breakout. Todd placed his flashlight on the ground, up ended, so that it made his shadow look all big on the walls.

“Looks like we both got in trouble,” he sighed.

Todd reached into his pocket and took out his brass knuckles, slipping them over his fingers. Todd had no intention of using the knuckles this time. They had helped to speed things up when he had needed to find out what Jesse told the feds. But he knew Lydia wouldn’t want to risk Jesse getting any brain damage now they needed him to cook. She was right, of course. Todd remembered how Jesse had still been a little shaky and woozy when they did that first batch together. Once Jesse had a week to heal up, the purity had gotten higher. It wasn’t in Todd’s best interests to hurt Jesse. But he still needed answers.

“Jesse, you gotta tell me how you got your chains off, okay...”

Todd knelt in front of Jesse and clasped his arm. Jesse was still trembling all over like he had been that whole time in the car. When he felt the brass knuckles, Jesse’s whole body jolted. His legs scrambled uselessly against the floor and his head knocked against the wall. Todd tried to hold Jesse still. He was going to hurt himself, flailing about like this. Todd loosened the gag and pulled it out of Jesse’s mouth. He thought Jesse would be in a hurry to answer his question. But instead Jesse kept on with his moaning animal noises. His jaw was clenching open and shut, like he wanted to form words but couldn’t remember how.

“Just try to breathe,” Todd soothed. “It’s been a rough night, I know. Don’t make it any harder on yourself. I understand that you’re really upset. I hope when you’ve calmed down you’ll see why I had to do it. I just...I had to send a message and you’d already had your first warning. I hope you’ll understand that from now on...you have to do what I tell you. And if you don’t do what I say, Jesse...then you know what I’ll have to...”

“My pocket,” Jesse rasped out, “It’s in my pocket.”

Todd smiled. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

He reached down and turned Jesse’s pockets inside-out. In one of them he found the crumpled photo of the dead girl and her son. In the other he found the paperclip all bent out of shape. Todd twirled the little lock-pick in his fingers.

“Wow,” he said, shaking his head. “That’s impressive, Jesse.” He was being perfectly sincere when he said this. He would have never thought to use a paperclip like that. You couldn’t say that Jesse didn’t have smarts. “I mean...seriously. You’re like that magician that could escape from all kinds of chains and cages. What was his name?”

Jesse didn’t answer him. He just curled himself into a ball, still quaking and whimpering. Todd had been hoping he could cheer Jesse up a bit or at least get back on friendlier terms so it wouldn’t be too awkward when they were cooking again tomorrow. Todd started to worry that Jesse wasn’t going to sleep at all tonight. Lydia wouldn’t be pleased about that. Jesse wouldn’t be able to do his best work if he didn’t get some rest.

“Listen, it was my mistake, letting you keep that photo,” said Todd, trying to take some of the blame so Jesse could feel better. “We should’ve just kept it up in the lab. I thought it would be good motivation for you. Remember how Mr White always kept himself motivated doing it all for his family? I thought you might feel the same way.”

Todd didn’t know if it was him mentioning Mr White’s name or what, but Jesse suddenly started to cry again...like, really breathless sobbing and fresh floods of tears. Man, Jesse sure did cry a lot. It was like there was something wrong with him. Todd remembered Mr White telling him that Jesse had been drug addict, so he guessed that made sense of it. Drugs can really screw you up. Todd’s mom had done a lot of drugs when he’d still been living with her and she could never keep her senses or emotions together either. Todd never knew what to say or how to help. He’d never been much of a crier himself.

“Sorry for your loss,” Todd said because it’s what you’re supposed to say.

It wasn’t like Todd had wanted to shoot Andrea but what choice did he have with Jesse trying to run away like that? It sure was a shame he had to go so far. She seemed like a nice girl and Todd could tell she’d cared about Jesse. Todd thought that if Andrea could talk to Jesse now she’d be saying he just needed to carry on. He needed to do it for her kid now. Yeah, it might help if Jesse thought about things that way. I mean, a big part of why Todd was so invested in this new business was because he needed to do it for Lydia.

It was just the way it had to be and it all made sense. But Todd could tell he would struggle to get Jesse to see things his way. Mr White always said the trouble with Jesse is that he doesn’t listen to reason. Todd could see exactly what he meant.

Jesse’s tears slowly exhausted themselves. Todd waited until Jesse’s body went limp then he reached behind his back and started to untie his hands.

“There now,” said Todd, inspecting Jesse’s wrists for chaffing, “...just need to get you back in your chains. Then I’ll help you into bed, okay?”

 

~*~

 

Every Tuesday leading up to 10am, Todd felt like he was going on a date.

He got all jittery and he felt really dumb. He’d never been so wrapped up in a woman before. But then Todd had never really had a girlfriend. Well, Uncle Jack had hired that prostitute with the false titties on Todd’s sixteenth birthday and she had popped his cherry so it wasn’t like women were some big mystery to him. Todd still took his turn at the hooker parties that Kenny liked to throw at his house on the weekends. But the girls at Kenny’s parties always had bad teeth and wore trashy clothes. They were...well, they kinda reminded him of mom.

Lydia wasn’t like those girls at all. She reminded Todd more of Miss Nadine, the guidance counsellor lady who he used to have weekly meetings with before Uncle Jack pulled him out of school. It was Miss Nadine who told Todd that it didn’t matter what kind of home he came from; that he could still go far in life if he had good manners and he tried his best. He always thought that was real good advice. Todd tried to make the best impression every time he went to The Grove, ordered tea and waited for Lydia. He always wore a new shirt and combed his hair so nobody would think Todd didn’t belong in a fancy cafe like this. He bet he was richer than the folk sitting at the other tables anyway. Todd would tell himself that over and over, but he still worried that one day Lydia would say Todd’s efforts weren’t good enough and they’d have to take a break. He really didn’t want to hear those words again.

“So here’s to a very profitable two months,” said Lydia, raising her teacup in a funny little toast. “I trust that everything is still going smoothly on your end?”

Todd shifted in his seat. He supposed that no matter how hard he tried, there were always going to be some awkward dates. He couldn’t please her all the time.

“Um...actually Miss Lydia...” Todd began, lowering his voice. “I don’t want to alarm you or anything. I just need to give you the heads up so that you can tell your buyers. The next batch, your next shipment...it might be a little later this time.”

Lydia swallowed and slowly lowered her cup onto the table. She’d let Todd sit opposite her for their last few meetings. Todd really liked that he got to look at her when they talked. Of course, Lydia wasn’t looking too happy with him right now.

“What? Why?” she spluttered. “Why would that happen?”

Todd let out a sigh. “He’s sick. Jesse got sick.”

Lydia’s gripped her cup. “How sick are we talking about?”

“Well, it started out as just this cough,” Todd explained. “Like a bad cough that got worse over the weekend. I was giving him aspirin, thinking it would soon go away. Then yesterday after we finished the batch, I noticed he was all pale and shivery. I got up early this morning to check on him and I noticed he hadn’t eaten any of his food. His head was burning up and his breath was coming out all wheezy. I wasn’t sure what to do. I got him to drink some water before I came here. I think maybe he just needs a few days rest.”

“Todd, I...” Lydia’s face tightened. “You said you’d look after him.”

“I’m trying my best,” said Todd. “I’m sure he’ll get better soon.”

“Well, it’s not as if we can take him to the hospital if he _doesn’t_ ,” Lydia hissed back. She closed her eyes, pinching the side of her head. Then she opened her purse, took out a leather-bound notebook and slid it across the table. “I really didn’t want to get into specifics, Todd. But I need to get a clearer understanding of our cook’s condition. If you would please turn to a blank page and draw me a picture of his current...accommodation.”

Todd took the notebook and Lydia’s shiny gold pen. Using simple lines, he drew a sketch of the cage pit with a little stick man in it. He added a few labels like ‘tarp’, ‘bed’ and ‘bucket’ so Lydia would know what they were. He handed the notebook back.

“Sorry, I’m not a very good drawer,” Todd said sheepishly.

Lydia stared down at the picture. Then she closed her eyes and she took a few deep breaths. Todd thought she saw her shudder a little. Then Lydia picked up her gold pen and started scribbling over the drawing of Jesse’s pit in fast firm strokes.

“So, what do you think is wrong with him?” asked Todd.

“What do I think is wrong?” Lydia muttered, stifling a strange laugh. “Well, I’m no medical expert but I’d say he’s showing symptoms of pneumonia and you know...since you’ve been keeping him in some filthy hole in the ground and the nights are getting colder why wouldn’t he have pneumonia? God knows what else is wrong with him. I’ve only heard about the sorts of things people like your Uncle Jack and his buddies do to police informants. For all I know they’ve been beating and raping him every day since he’s been with you. So now he’s sick and he’s probably dying and _Jesus_ , why did I make this deal...?”

Lydia was speaking really fast and whispery under her breath. Todd had to lean forward to hear her. He reached across the table and touched her hand.

“I’m not going to let him die, okay? I can fix this, I promise...”

Lydia took a steadying breath. “My buyers gave me very clear instructions. Any interruption in service will be viewed with suspicion. There...there’s no room for error with these people, Todd. If our next shipment is delayed or worse...if we can’t supply them at all then...then how long before they send someone to find me? Christ, how long before _my daughter_ finds me lying dead on the floor? I...I can’t afford to disappoint them.”

“You really don’t have to worry about that,” Todd insisted again. “Look, things aren’t as bad as they seem. If I could just get some better medicine, then...”

Lydia shook herself and exhaled. “ _Fine_. I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. I’m going to stay in town one more day. I’m going to use my contacts to secure some antibiotics without prescription. While I’m doing that you’re going to find a better balance between maintaining security at the compound and improving living conditions for our cook. I hope you are up to that task. Tomorrow I want you to come back here and I want you to draw me a nicer picture. If you can’t do that then I’m afraid it’ll have to be last of our meetings.”

Todd glanced down at Lydia’s notebook. His drawing was now lost under her scribbles. She had been pressing so hard her pen had ripped through to the next page.

“I can do that,” Todd promised her. “I can make it nicer.”

When Todd left the cafe he still had little idea of how he was going to keep up his side of the bargain, but he sure was motivated to find a way. The easiest solution would’ve been to bring Jesse into the clubhouse and just fix a new chain to the wall. But Uncle Jack had been really insistent that he wouldn’t stand for any rats being kept under his roof. He hadn’t even been letting Todd bring Jesse into the house so he could take a shower. Todd had needed to rig up a hose behind the garage and chain Jesse to a drain pipe for ten minutes every morning just so that he could wash a little. But Todd had noticed that the water that came out of the hose was never that warm and it didn’t look too clean either. Todd should have realised it would end up making Jesse sick. Running this business was a real learning curve.

Todd tried thinking about what Mr White would do. If working with Mr White had taught him anything it’s that you can always achieve what you want if you know the best ways to use your materials. Like when they needed to get rid of that dead kid and his bike. Mr White had known exactly the right acid to use and sure enough the evidence was soon melted down to nothing. That’s the kind of thinking Todd needed to solve this problem.

After the clubhouse, the garage seemed like the best place for Jesse’s new accommodation. And once Todd had that first good idea, the inspiration just kept coming to him. He made a stop at the city animal shelter and got talking to the nice lady there who looked after rescue dogs. Todd told her he had recently saved a dog himself and he was looking for a good cage to keep him in. A really big cage, biggest they had, because he wanted his dog to have plenty of space. He told the lady that the dog’s last owner used to beat him and it was going to take a long time for Todd to train his dog to trust humans again. The nice lady said it was good of Todd to make such an effort. She said that looking after damaged animals was a lot of hard work and Todd replied that indeed it was. She said the biggest cages they had technically weren’t for sale, but when Todd said he was prepared to make a generous donation to the shelter it turned out she was prepared to make an exception.

Todd moved his car into the driveway and got Kenny to help him assemble the cage inside the garage. They set up four electric heaters outside the bars along with the humidifier that Lydia had recommended he get. The heat inside the garage was almost tropical when the cage structure was finally built and drilled firmly into the floor. When all was ready, Todd had to get Lester to carry Jesse out of the pit over his shoulders. Jesse’s temperature was still high, his eyes were all glassy and the only sound he made was his endless coughing. Todd made sure Jesse was comfy in his new surroundings with an extra blanket and pillows. Todd ended up camping out in the garage, staying there right through until morning.

Todd only left Jesse to meet with Lydia and to draw her a new picture.

“Okay,” said Lydia, nodding at the little stick man in his indoor cage surrounded by radiators. “Okay, I can live with that. And you say he’s improving already?”

“Yeah, his fever broke during the night,” Todd told her. “I made sure he had lots of water and even got him to eat some soup. I think he’s going to be okay.”

Lydia nodded. “Have him take the course of antibiotics anyway.”

“Oh, I will,” said Todd. “I mean, we got to make sure he stays healthy.” He lifted the second package that Lydia had handed to him. “So what are these ones?”

“Steroids,” said Lydia. “Like I told you, we need to get him working again; within the week if possible. You should be okay having him take both pills at once.”

“If you say so,” said Todd, pocketing the medicines she’d given him. “We should be careful with what we give him though. Did you know Jesse’s a drug addict?”

Lydia rolled her eyes. “I wish you wouldn’t call him Jesse.”

“Oh sorry. I keep forgetting that you don’t like to use real names.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Lydia said bristling. “It’s just...I worry that you’re getting too attached, Todd. I don’t want to have to deal with a case of Stockholm syndrome here. Or is it called Lima syndrome? Whichever. I just don’t want you getting too close. Always remember that he told the DEA about you. He told the DEA about me too.”

Todd smirked at the memory of Jesse’s confession tape. It was true that Jesse had told the cops everything about Todd’s part in the train heist. He had told them about the methylamine Todd had helped to steal and the kid on the dirt-bike that Todd had needed to kill for the sake of the mission. Man, what a day that was. Todd still couldn’t believe how smart Jesse and Mr White had been in thinking up that robbery. Todd only wished he could be as smart as them. And unlike Lydia and Uncle Jack, Todd couldn’t bring himself to feel too angry about Jesse telling on him in that tape. Whenever Todd sat down to watch that DVD again he always felt an odd rush of pride just hearing Jesse say his name.

Yeah, there’d been a time when Todd had really looked up to Jesse. It was inspiring seeing this young guy who had climbed up the ladder and was managing his own business with the likes of Mr White and Mr Ehrmantraut. Todd still couldn’t understand why Jesse had given it all up but Todd had only been too happy to take his place. Uncle Jack knew why keeping the business was important to Todd. Sure, they didn’t need the money, but a man has to get a chance to run his own thing. This was the first job where Todd had got to be the boss. The lab belonged to him and so did Jesse. Todd really liked being an owner.

“I won’t forget,” said Todd. “But like you said, I got to take care of him now. I got to think about his needs.” He smiled, suddenly thinking of a way he could explain it to Lydia. “It’s like this one time I was out in the desert and I caught this tarantula in a jar. I thought maybe I could keep it. I never had any pets growing up because I’m real allergic to their fur, but I figured I’d be okay with a pet spider. But by the time I got it home, the tarantula wasn’t moving anymore. It was my fault. I forgot to put holes in the lid.”

Lydia wrinkled up her nose in disgust. Todd blushed, realizing that he probably shouldn’t have told that story. Most ladies don’t like spiders.

“So you’re saying he’s like your pet?” she murmured.

Todd shrugged. “I’m just saying there’s got to be air holes.”

 

~*~

 

Todd stepped into the garage through its side door and locked it behind him.

“Kenny brought over pizza,” said Todd, holding up the box. “I’ve saved you a few slices of the pepperoni and one piece of ham & pineapple. Sorry if they’re a little cold.”

Jesse sat up and scuttled to the far corner of his mattress. He always did this when Todd came to visit, even when he was just bringing food. Todd put the pizza box down while he slipped the key into the padlock on the cage door. Jesse’s new cage was six feet high so Todd needed to duck down a little when he entered, but Jesse could stand up in it just fine. There was less floor space than there had been in the pit but it was better keeping Jesse somewhere clean and warm. Two months into the new living arrangements and Jesse’s health had really improved. It took the pneumonia scare for Todd to really think things through and learn from his past mistakes. Now instead of making Jesse wash outside in the cold, Todd brought a basin of hot water to the garage each morning, along with some soap and a toothbrush. And on the days Jesse wasn’t cooking, Todd would still put him on the cable for an hour so he could stretch his legs and keep from getting stiff joints. The heaters in the garage kept it cosy overnight while the sturdy bars kept the radiators out of Jesse’s reach so he couldn’t use them to do any crazy science stuff that Mr White might have taught him. It was just a precaution though. Jesse hadn’t tried anything since the night Todd shot the girl.

“I just tested the latest batch,” said Todd, sitting on the edge of Jesse’s mattress and placing the pizza box between them. “Ninety-seven point nine percent, Jesse. Can you believe that?” Todd smiled and lit up a cigarette. “That’s really something.”

Jesse didn’t respond with anything more than a weak nod, but he took the box and placed it on the floor beside his bed; a present he would open later, Todd figured. This was a regular part of their routine now. Every time that Jesse managed a new higher purity level, Todd felt that he ought to bring him something as a reward. Todd liked to think he was giving Jesse something to look forward to like Todd looked forward to his Tuesday meetings with Lydia. Suddenly Todd was struck by another idea. He held out his freshly lit cigarette to Jesse, close enough for him to reach for it even with his chained hands.

“Hey, you want this?” Todd asked. “Go ahead. You earned it.”

With their history, Todd knew Jesse had been a smoker. A cigarette has got to taste good if you haven’t been allowed one in months. Jesse had to hunch forward over his cuffed wrists so he could take a drag, but he still seemed to appreciate it.

After a few more puffs, Jesse finally spoke.

“Hey Todd...can I ask you something?”

“Sure you can,” said Todd, immediately feeling pleased that it was Jesse who was starting a conversation between them. That almost never happened.

“I was just wondering,” said Jesse, shifting forward on the bed, his eyes still turned to the floor. “How much methylamine do we have left now? I mean, we’re still using the tank we boosted from the train, right? With all the cooks I’ve done and all the cooking that you did before with Mr White…it’s got to be running low now, right?”

“Yeah, the tank is getting low. I don’t know to calculate it exactly. But I’d say maybe there’s enough to keep us going us for another two months...maybe three.”

“Two months,” Jesse echoed, nodding, “Maybe three.” He took another drag on the cigarette. “So...so that’ll mean the end of the job, right? That’ll be me done?”

Todd blinked a few times. For a moment he wondered if Jesse had become confused over his situation what with all the nice things Todd had been doing for him.

“Um Jesse...you know we can’t let you go, right?” Todd reminded him.

Jesse closed his eyes. “Yeah, I know. I just want to know when it’ll be over.”

Todd nodded, understanding now. Of course Jesse was scared of being killed when he wasn’t useful to them anymore. Todd really should have reassured him sooner.

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about it being over,” said Todd. “Lydia’s still got her sources. She’s pretty sure that she can break out a fresh barrel when we need it.”

Jesse frowned, shaking his head. “No, no, Lydia can’t get more. The cops put trackers on all of those barrels. She can’t risk getting more. She...she just can’t...”

“Things have changed since then,” said Todd. “The heat has been off Lydia for a while now, especially with that Schrader cop gone. Even if we can’t get a new barrel we could still rob another train. That plan worked so perfect the first time around.”

Jesse was still shaking his head, kind of frantically now. “But why risk it? You’ve already got so much money...I mean, on top of those barrels you stole from...”

“It’s my business, Jesse,” said Todd. “It’s important to me. You know, in the past, I needed Uncle Jack to help get me jobs. He’d hook me up with some of his buddies and I’d have to prove myself...kinda like I tried to prove myself to you and Mr White. This business is the first thing I’ve run on my own. I can’t waste my potential.”

Todd was stumbling over his words at little, trying to find the right way to explain things to Jesse. He paused when he noticed that Jesse’s breathing was getting erratic. The colour had drained out of his face. His eyes were wide and reddening.

“Are you okay?” asked Todd. “Hey...just breathe...”

As Todd said these words Jesse jabbed his cigarette down hard on his wrist, burning the skin close to his veins. Todd moved fast and wrenched the stub out of his hands. Jesse screamed and started thrashing in his chains, thrashing hard enough to bruise his arms and ankles. Todd straddled Jesse, sitting on his legs and catching hold of his clenched fists. Todd grabbed a pillow and put it over Jesse’s head to muffle his yelling.

“Quit it,” Todd hissed. “You’re going to get us in trouble.”

Todd pressed the pillow down hard. Uncle Jack and the guys were watching a game in the clubhouse. He didn’t want them to hear Jesse cries and come to see what the bother was. He didn’t want them thinking that he couldn’t handle Jesse by himself. Todd waited for Jesse to go still and quieten down. Then he pulled the pillow away, worried that Jesse wouldn’t be able to get any air. Jesse tried to turn on his side and hide his face against the mattress, but Todd held him firm. He shook his head at Jesse in confusion.

“I...I don’t get it,” Todd stammered. “What’s wrong with you?”

Jesse shut his eyes. “I told you. I just want it to be over.”

“But that’s just what I don’t get! Are you saying you want to die?”

“No...” said Jesse in a small voice like he was talking to himself. “No, I really don’t want to die in this place. But if it’s a choice between that and living in this place then...I just want it to be over. Do you get that? Can you see what’s wrong with me?”

Todd sighed. He did have a pretty good idea what was wrong with Jesse.

“Yeah...I think this is because of those drugs that I’ve been giving you,” said Todd. “I did some research and I guess sometimes there can be side effects.”

Jesse stared up at Todd, his eyes blurry and confused.

“What are you talking about? What side effects?”

“From the steroids,” Todd clarified. “You know those tablets I’ve been giving you? The ones we kept you on after you finished your course of medicine?”

Jesse swallowed. “You told me they were vitamins.”

“Yeah,” said Todd. “I didn’t want to freak you out, what with your history with addiction and all. But we needed to put you on something stronger so you could get back to work after you were sick. And yeah, there can be some nasty side effects. You can get this thing called ‘roid rage’. It means you get all angry and violent for no real reason.”

Jesse didn’t say anything. He just stared at the cage bars, a few tears slipping down his face. Seeing as he was quieter now, Todd climbed off him and checked his wrist. There was a nasty red burn close to his palm. His skin was blistering all around it.

“I’ll get the first aid kit,” said Todd. “You know, I’ve got some other drugs in there. Like, I’ve got sedatives if you’re having trouble calming down.”

Jesse shook his head. “No please I...I feel better now.”

Todd smiled. “Good. That’s good, Jesse.”

 

~*~

 

“That’s a nice shirt, Todd,” said Lydia as she sat at their table.

Todd just grinned for a moment, unsure how to reply. He’d worn a new shirt to every one of their meetings. This was the first time she’d complimented his clothes.

“Periwinkle,” Lydia added. “It’s a good color on you.”

Todd was sure he was blushing. As far as he knew, his shirt was just blue. He didn’t know the special names of colours. Maybe he should learn them so he could say nice things about Lydia’s clothes too. Lydia always wore nice shirts to their meetings.

“So what’s the latest purity?” asked Lydia while fingering the sweetners.

“Oh, it’s...well, I think the new batch was ninety-three percent,” he said tentatively. “Maybe higher. I might’ve tested it wrong. Definitely in the nineties though.”

Lydia frowned. “That’s a drop.” She leaned forward on her elbows. “Todd...why is it falling? Just last time you said that he was close to cracking ninety-eight.”

Todd sighed. He didn’t know why Lydia was so obsessive and demanding about the purity. It used to be that anything in the nineties was a really good product.

“I don’t know...I don’t think it’s his fault. Since we’ve been weaning him off those steroids, he’s been kinda depressed. I think it’s just a side effect, you know?”

Lydia sighed. “What does he do? You know, when he’s not cooking?”

“Well, he...” Todd didn’t really know what Lydia expected him to say, “...he rests? I just tell him to get some rest so he can focus on a new batch the next day.”

Lydia shook her head. “ _Jesus_ , Todd. Get the poor guy a book at least. God, get him a Game Boy. It’s not like you can’t afford it. Just give him a few little distractions so he doesn’t go completely insane on us, okay? Do I really need to tell you this?”

Todd felt himself blushing again. It was embarrassing to have Lydia point out his failings. After wrapping up their meeting, Todd went straight to the nearest bookstore. Todd had never picked up a book in his life so he needed advice. He asked the nice lady at the counter if she could recommend something really inspiring. She showed him a book called _Life of Pi_ saying that it had won a prize. As far as Todd could tell, the whole book was just this kid being stuck on a lifeboat with a tiger. Todd thought it looked pretty boring, but he bought it anyway along with some weird science magazines he thought Jesse might like.

Jesse got hooked on the reading material in the following week and Todd hoped that the purity might pick up again along with Jesse’s mood. But the next batch only tested at ninety-five percent. Todd knew that Jesse could do better. He just needed to think of the right kind of incentive to motivate him. Todd sat around thinking about it for hours. He even asked Kenny if he could think of anything nice he could get for Jesse and Kenny just looked at him like he was nuts. The guys all teased Todd about Jesse just like they teased him about Lydia. Lester kept saying that Todd better not be turning fag on them. Uncle Jack was less amused. He reminded Todd not to get too attached to his pet rat. He said he should always remember that rats are vermin. Todd nodded and tried to ignore them all.

Then Todd got an idea. He knew the best thing to get for Jesse.

Todd brought it to Jesse in his cage the following night.

“So I thought you’d want to see this,” said Todd, passing Jesse the photo through the bars. “I thought you’d want to know how he’s doing. It took me two days to find him. I had to check five different schools. I took this photo while he was waiting for the bus and then followed the bus to where he’s living now. It looks like he’s with his grandma. The house is kind of small and it’s not in the best neighbourhood. But mostly...it looks like he’s doing okay.”

Jesse stared at the photo for a long time. Then he raised his head and Todd caught a flash of something in Jesse’s eyes. It reminded him of that night after the train robbery when Jesse had been so mad at Todd for killing the kid and had punched him in the face out of nowhere. Jesse threw a hard punch for a little guy. But it’s not like Jesse could hit Todd now with the bars between them and his hands shackled. Instead, Jesse just took a breath and pinched his eyes closed. He was slowly getting better at calming himself.

“What do I have to do?” Jesse asked.

“Sorry?” said Todd.

Jesse held up the photo of the little Latino boy. “This is a message, right? I get it. So stop fucking with me and just say what you want me to do.”

Todd considered telling Jesse that he hadn’t meant the photo to be a threat, but on reflection Todd realized that it actually worked much better that way.

“Nothing much,” Todd began. “It’s just Miss Lydia and me have noticed that the purity has been slipping these last few batches. It’s not fallen by much, it’s just...we know you can do better. I just feel like you’re letting depression and stuff affect your work. I feel like you just need to find some way to make yourself feel a little happier...”

Jesse squinted at him. “You want me to...to make myself happy?”

“Yeah,” Todd shrugged. “So you can make the cook better.”

Jesse looked back at the photo. “Okay. So if I make myself happier and I make the meth purer you’ll leave him alone, yeah? And whenever this over...whenever you decide that it’s over...it’s only me you’ll kill, right? You won’t go near him again?”

“Well yeah. I won’t do anything to the kid if I don’t have to.”

“Okay then,” Jesse winced. “Deal.”

“Deal,” Todd echoed.

“The next batch will be better.”

“That’s great. Honestly, that’s all we wanted.”

Todd rose from his crouching position outside Jesse’s cage and turned to leave the garage. Then Todd turned back to look at Jesse through the bars. Jesse was slipping the photo of the kid into the pages of his _Life of Pi_ book as if to keep it from getting damaged.

“You know, Jesse,” Todd began. “When I do decide to get out of the meth business...I mean, when the time comes that we’re finishing with these cooks...I want you to know it’ll be quick. And I’ll handle it myself. I won’t get Uncle Jack involved at all.”

Now he was thinking about it Todd didn’t like the idea of killing Jesse. It’s not that he was attached to him, more like he had just got used to having him around, bringing him food and cleaning his cage. Still, he knew it’d have to end that way some day. But Todd would make it quick. And maybe he’d do something nice like let Jesse smoke one last cigarette like they let soldiers have one last smoke before they have to go to the firing squad. Jesse might be a rat but he had served Todd well in these last few months. All those Tuesday mornings drinking tea with Lydia...he never would have had those without Jesse.

“Quick and painless,” Todd promised, wanting to give Jesse that much. “I mean, that’s the job Mr White hired us for in the first place. It seems only fair.”

Jesse raised his head, blinking. “Mr White?”

“Yeah, that’s how he wanted it,” said Todd. “I mean, he didn’t care how we did the prison killings. But with you...he said he didn’t want there to be any suffering. He really wanted us to do the job right. Because he said you were like family to him.”

Jesse’s eyes went really empty when Todd said this. Sad and empty like Jesse had been on that day they took him from the desert; the last day either of them had seen Mr White. Todd wondered if he had said the wrong thing and screwed up the deal that him and Jesse had just made. Then suddenly Jesse started to laugh; a wild and crazy sort of laugh. It didn’t last for very long but it was enough to make Jesse’s eyes water.

“Yeah,” said Jesse. “Best family _ever_.”

 

~*~

 

Todd wasn’t in the best mood when he got back to the compound. I mean, he understood why they needed to take care of Mr White. The man was all over the news. If the feds caught him first then it would mean big trouble for all of them. It was much better to get the job done now so that they didn’t have to go after him in jail. And like Lydia said, Mr White was looking sick and half dead anyway. They were doing him a favour.

But Todd had still hoped that it wouldn’t have to come to this. Todd never got far in school. Uncle Jack had always said school wasn’t the sort of education Todd needed if he wanted to go into the family business. But Todd had still liked that feeling of having a teacher for those few months, even if he hadn’t been too good at the chemistry.

“Hey Jesse, how’s the cook?” Todd asked as he stepped into the lab.

Jesse didn’t answer at first. He was staring intently at one of the beakers and stirring some pinkish liquid inside. He looked lost in thought. Todd didn’t like to interrupt him because Jesse had this little private smile on his face. Like he really was finding some happiness in his work just like Todd had wanted. Todd didn’t even try to help him with the cooks anymore. He’d come to realize he was better at running the management side of things. Todd had already forgotten all the long names of the chemicals and the temperatures that you needed to keep them at. He couldn’t bring himself to care the way Jesse seemed to care about getting it all right. Watching him work, Todd could see that he was really applying himself.

Jesse blinked, suddenly seeming to realize that he wasn’t alone.

“Sorry...what did you say?” he asked.

“I was just wondering how the new batch is going,” said Todd. “I couldn’t wait to tell Lydia that you managed ninety-nine point three that last time. I actually took a little piece of the crystal in my pocket to show her. I wanted her to see how blue it was. It was, like, _electric blue_. Like _turquoise_ even...I swear it’s never been that blue before.”

Todd decided not to tell Jesse how Lydia had snapped at him to put the meth away and to stop being an idiot. That visit from Mr White had really made her jumpy. Todd supposed it was the wrong time. He’d just wanted her to see how pretty it was.

“So do you think you can make the next batch just as good?” asked Todd.

Jesse gently lifted his beaker onto the heat. “No, the next batch will be better.”

“Seriously?” Todd shook his head, impressed by Jesse’s new ambition. “Well, good luck. So is there anything that you want...you know, if you get to a new highest purity?”

Jesse frowned as if considering. “Yeah, I want a trip to Disneyland.”

Todd smiled awkwardly and nodded. He liked that Jesse was making jokes now. It showed that Jesse really was committing to that deal they made. Jesse’s jokes still made Todd a little uneasy though, because Jesse never smiled when he told them.

“Okay, we’ll see about that,” said Todd, still nodding. “So anyway...I was thinking that I should probably tell you about what’s happening tonight.”

“Yeah? What’s happening?” asked Jesse, not sounding too interested.

“Well, see...we had a meeting with your old partner today.”

That bit of news got Jesse’s attention. “That asshole’s still alive?”

“Yeah, like...barely. He’s not looking too good. His hair and beard have grown out. He’s looking all pale, tired and unhealthy...” Todd stopped himself because he realized that Jesse looked much the same and it felt rude to remind him of it. “Anyway, it turns out he’s broke and he wants to make a deal. Like, he wants to teach us some new way of cooking without the methylamine. He sounded kinda desperate. It wasn’t nice seeing him that way. Lydia said the cancer might’ve gone to his brain and he’s not thinking clearly.”

“So what happens tonight?” asked Jesse.

“Oh, well...we told Mr White that he should come over to the clubhouse to discuss this new deal. Only that’s not really what’s going to be happening...”

Jesse nodded. “You’re going to kill him.”

Todd sighed. “It’s not something I wanted to sign off on. I had a lot of respect for the man in the time we were cooking together. But he really should have known better than to come back here. Now it’s like me, Lydia and Uncle Jack don’t have a choice in the matter. All things considered...yeah, we’re going to have to kill him.”

Jesse shrugged. “Unless he kills us first.”

Todd smiled again. Jesse had such a weird sense of humor. Sure it’s true that Mr White, or Heisenberg as everyone had once called him, used to be a pretty fearsome guy. But now he was all old and shriveled up. They really were doing him a solid; killing him now before anyone else saw what he had been reduced to. At least he could die with some dignity then. His reputation out on the streets was still kinda legendary.

“I’m going to tell Uncle Jack to make it quick,” Todd added.

“Lucky him,” muttered Jesse, turning back to the cook stuff.

Todd thought for a moment. “So hey...is there anything that you’d like me to say to him for you? I mean, you guys were partners for a long time there, right?”

Todd was remembering that day in the desert and how before they had taken Jesse away Mr White had wanted to say one last thing to him. Something about a dead girl called Jane. Todd hadn’t really understood what Mr White had meant by it. But if it was Mr White’s turn to die tonight he guessed that it was Jesse’s turn to say something.

Jesse was silent for a moment. Then he just shook his head.

“No, I’ve got nothing to say to him. Nothing at all.”

Todd nodded. He didn’t know exactly what had happened; what could have gone so wrong between them that Mr White would want Jesse killed and Jesse would want to rat Mr White out to the cops. Todd still remembered the way that they had been back in the Vamanos Pest days. How they used to sit together drinking beers and watching TV after a cook. Mr White had never done any of that with Todd. Every single one of their cooks Todd got the feeling that Mr White wished that he had been working with Jesse instead.

“Well, you don’t have to be involved,” said Todd. “You just concentrate on the cook tonight and I’ll come to tell you when it’s over. I don’t want Mr White being around to distract you. I mean, this batch is going to be the best one ever, right?”

“Yeah,” Jesse nodded. “This one’s going to be perfect.”

 

The End


End file.
